Here are some amusing in-flight announcements.

I neither wish to cause embarassment if you are the subject of the story nor can I discovered the source or truth of the tales. I just hope they bring a smile to your face!

Pre-Flights
• From a XYZ Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this aeroplane."

• From a XYZ Airline employee: To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every seatbelt and, if you don't how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

• "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
  In the cruise

• Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

• From the pilot during his welcome message: " We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

• "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves your money more than XYZ Airlines."
  After Landing

• After landing: "Thank you for flying XYZ Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

• As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: " Whoa, big fella, Whoa!"

• This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particular windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced:" Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our aeroplane to the gate."

• Another flight attendant's comment on a less-than-perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

• An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his aircraft into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said: "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

• After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

• "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants in the industry. Please do not leave children or spouses."

• "Last one off the plane must clean it."

• Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at XYZ Airways."